I projectile vomited into my sink. Jealous?
Kind of. My puke would have just dribbled down my chin and missed the sink completely.
Ohh that happened after I started to cry.
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
I'm playing the Jersey Shore drinking game by myself at my mom's house. Things like this are not okay after college.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...
Don't ever tell me I'm a bad friend. I woke up at 7 this morning to drive your mistake home because you wouldn't get up.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down
I am eating deep fried cinnamon rolls and I found a lighter in my sprinkles. I miss you.
Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Randomize
