Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.
I'm at verizon, the guy asked me why my phone is full of seeds. Deff. Not leaving my phone with you anymore.
His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.
ok so hold on... from what i hear... thank you... i'm sorry... and your welcome.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I know. In fairness he did tell me to throw up out his window onto his roof so I don't think he's pissed at me but I'm still mortified by the whole situation.
I am confused/concerned about the circumstances that led to your consumption of 3 beta fish last night.
he had a cock ring. i orgasmed before he even put it in
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