Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
My brother brings gifts into my room to wrap them. It's a pizza cutter and a box of condoms..
you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!
Tequila shots with cinnamon and orange write it down before I forget
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
Uhh dog found a condom. FYI its on the table by couch please dispose of it. No reply Necessary
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
No amount of beer will make me feel better about this. It's time for Emergency Whisky
My mind just played a snippet of me asking to be a Joey and trying to climb into your apron pocket...
Why do I have a separate credit card just for booze? Because I saved enough points so Saturday we are flying to Denver to smoke legal weed and fly back in the same day.
Why are my jeans soaking wet and smell like chlorine??
Bc u told a stranger in the hotel "I have sinned' and made him get into the hotel fountain and "baptize u". I've got a vid
She said she was sorry for rolling around in her own vomit. Honestly, I thought it really added to the party.
avocado toast wont fix the fact you did a bunch of blow you fucking hipster
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