seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.
Oh god I may vomit into the teacup of debauchery.
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
Just called the consul general of France "dude"
U should feel bad.. u r like a sex politician. All talk and no follow thru
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
I think I'll handle my grief by throwing myself headlong into lesbianism. Seems like a fitting tribute to you.
So I had sex in a bulldozer lastnight now that's definitely a first...
Another beautiful Sunday, another beautiful day the stick is not positive. Amen.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
They're gonna put "is a hoe" on my medical records
I just put a pill up my vagina. It was little like a quail egg. There is so much happening up there right now.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
Randomize
