A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
My mind says no, but my body says yes.
What does your body say about chlamydia?
my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation
I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
He asked if he could pull one of my teeth "to remember me by"
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
Trying to convince myself that everyone keeps staring at me because I'm pretty and not because of my hickies.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
Maybe is for pussies. We only say yes in this household
I woke up with a bunch of jolly ranchers and an eight ball in my purse. Successful
That would involve putting on clothes and I don't think I can face that right now.
Randomize
