I just lost $50 at the races, got drunk, and woke up to my ex-gf. Apparently the good decisions kept on rolling...
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
We made a bong out of a plastic football. I can honestly say we make a good team.
It's great having no responsibilities. In normal life I would be freaking the fuck out right about now. But the only worry I have from last night is where i got this shower caddy full of cookies. God I love college.
It's christmas eve and my mom blacked out before me. If she beat me at that, what have I been learning at college?
I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate
She told me about it right after. She said she was scared I would be disappointed. And I was, but I pretended not to be. Which pretty much sums up our relationship.
in other news i'm homewrecking via instagram
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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