How is Miami?
Omk. I'm shitggaved om loincoln
don't worry, your friend will b fine, they treat virgins nicely around here
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am
A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
You will never truly trust yourself until you have shaved your armpits, legs, and vagina in the dark.
I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame
You stole my crutches last night at the bar, the DJ had to ask for them to be returned
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
And anyway at least being paid in opium makes a cool story
He bought the 12 pack of condoms. I take that as a sign of serious commitment.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
