Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
I cut holes in my blanket and put my arms through it. It's the sleeveless "Bro Edition" Snuggie.
His little brother walked in on us. Six times.
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
I'm going to listen to christmas music to trick my body into cooling off.
It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
i feel like there is just so much pressure to sex him up, its like the weight of the world is on my vagina.
We had 15 min before last call. Exact quote "let's see how drunk we can get."
I'm wearing fairy wings and I broke my wizard staff. If this isn't the most happy but sad moment of my life , I don't know what is.
Yeah, this is not that. This is a father and son bonding moment involving my all of my orifices.
Learn from my mistakes, you naive soul: Gay love triangles are just as dangerous as straight love triangles.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Randomize
