I coulnt tell if he was cumming or if I was throwing up
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful
Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself
Come over. We have tacos... And girls who took their clothes off. But mainly, tacos.
P.S. I just made up pleasure scepter for the purpose of that last message.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
Randomize
