So i had sex for a couple seconds last night
Pretty sure my dad just walked in on me jerking off watching guys on webcam. Remember how I used to say "most awkward day of my life?" I'm retiring that phrase.
He told me i was the nicest person he's ever arrested for DUI
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed
Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal
this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"
You should see the damage i did to the apartment last night. So many broken things and butter sticks stuck to windows.No memorys
I think after that blow job he got the other day he'd set himself on fire if I asked.
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
His dick is pure magic - dark, powerful, beautiful magic. It's the Elder Wand of penises
St. Patty's shenanigans tmrw? I wanna meet dudes lol. Why stop at coronavirus when you can get the clap, too?
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