How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
I am looking at the epitome of fake boobs right now
So did the night end well for you?
I stole a traffic cone and drunk texted my sister because i couldn't think of any other girl to text
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
Can you come get Dustin he's putting taco bell fire sauce on cigarettes trying to light them again.
my vagradar is going off.. it smells a soldier
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
He made a deal with his real estate agent called fucking in 50 properties for sale
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
....I just did my boss
I love you. And I will hold your hand as we skip on the road to hell.
Either im seeing the northern lightgs, someone is having a rave, or im on acid.. Im most likely on acid
Randomize
