were having a shit on karen session at work but then she walked in so we used code names instead and she tried to join in like she knew them
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
I think I sold my soul to a dominatrix last night.
I woke up uncovered, spread eagled to my dad saying "you really need to stop sleeping naked."
We kicked down a door together last night, pretty sure that qualifies us as best friends.
Randomize
