I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I don't know how I feel about the stuff we got from that guy. Me and Monty are driving through town listening to static at full blast...
I went back to the party but by then they were all sitting on the floor in the dark listening to we are the champions on full blast.
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
when a dude sends me an unwanted dick pic I just send him a picture of a nicer one. A more photogenic one. A dick with a future.
SMOKEY THE BEAR CAME AT US WITH FUCKING AXES IN MY DREAM I THINK IT IS A SIGN TO STOP BLAZING IT IN THE WOODS
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She was blowing me like a porn star and all I could think was "you just told me your grandfather is dying in hospice right now"
Waxing your own asshole is awkward and difficult at best.
Anyways enough about genital fatigue...
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
