My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
In conversation she brought up that she slept with Tucker Max on the UF football field
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
You were so proud of your stupid "magic trick" but all you did was piss on the couch. don't talk to me for a few days.
I bit my tongue so hard I left a deep imprint. Fuck you tongue, stop getting in the way of food.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
I hooked up with a guy that had a beard last night felt like I was building a fucken log cabin
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
World Cup Drinking Game: Take a shot every time they call a foul for something we don't understand. Gotta risk it to get the biscuit.
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
my favorite part of this morning was sitting at the gynecologist smelling like cigarettes and wearing yesterday's clothes.
She just texted me saying "come over and eat me out, my vagina smells like honey glazed ham." I know I shouldn't be, but i'm just so curious.
Randomize
