I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
you came here, splled a bunch of margaritas, hung up a picture of yourself and then left
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
you were yelling that somebody needed to take your bra off with such enthusiasm my first thought was that you were on fire.
I wasn't a groupie because I didn't carry his guitar home
blew off easter dinner with the fam to go play shot roulette. woke up in nothing but my boxers in the back of a random pickup truck.
If I learned anything from that one time I saw the last 10 minutes of oprah when they talked about the secret, it is that you project what you receive back. I also have wine.
Friends don't let friends put redi whip in their wine
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
I've given up on the male species, I'm just going to be a lonely whore for the rest of my life.
I will bring Jesus to court if he punishes me for that
New rock bottom. Woke up at 7 am fully clothed in a bathtub full of water. I hate myself.
Randomize
