I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
If the boyfriend of the drunk girl you just met asks her if she made a "special friend" you're going to have a threesome. For future reference.
In honor of the internet blackout, I think everyone needs to change their Facebook pictures to ones of them being blacked out.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
I know I've wanted to fuck him for the past month, but when you're that hungover, the only chemistry you have is with a pillow and a gallon of water.
I just brought her a lipstick taser. So just remember that the next time you get smart with her
Don't mind me, I'm just walking 2 miles across campus with no jacket, covered in highlighter, and carrying a hair extension. Gotta love miami!
What was I even doing in 2010?! I feel like that's a question I should be able to type into the Facebook Search bar
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
I don't know whether to cheer for the free bourbon, or cry from the screaming children.
I'm hearing voices and sirens. I'm scared. I heard a manatee out there.
Randomize
