You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly
The nurse who basically saved my life just came into the store. Didn't recognize her. Awwwwkward.
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He looks like he was the one that always had koolaid stains around his mouth as a kid, he can fuck off.
I just won 200$ from Bar Karaoke, for singing the "Sailor Moon" theme song, and then the Pokemon theme song, also known as the motherfucking ANTHEM OF POKEMON MASTERS LIKE ME. I HAD TO REPRESENT.
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If you had asked me 10 years ago where I thought I'd be right now at 26 years old, I can bet you one million dollars that "tweezing out my nose hairs before I go in to get laser hair removal on my upper lip" would NOT have been the answer
God I miss you. I would very much like to have sexual intercourse with you. I'm home eating chicken alfredo.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
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