Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!
Wtf?
Use the slutty part of ur brain.
I just put on my hot pinky lace thong... you know what that means! ;)
Oh god. Slutty you is on the run. Someone needs to alert the city.
Wearing a Sarah Lawrence sweatshirt is like wearing a shirt that says, "I'm getting a degree in substitute teaching."
the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place
Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
My mom wants to know what to send you in a care package. She used cat emojis, so you know it's serious
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
How the hell does my fucking boss know about the goddamned magician I fucked?!?
Never has jello made me angry to the point of drinking. But here I am.
I'm in my math teacher's garage hiding right now because I fucked his son last night. It's fine
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