He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.
you googled "nude photos of celebrities you wouldn't expect to have nude photos", puked into the beer bong, and then laughed
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is
next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Her divorce is going to cut into the amount of time we spend fucking.
I'm in awe of how selfish that is.
I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?
Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.
It was like the titanic mixed with those sad puppy commercials mixed with jello shots
I'm calling into work tomorrow for day drinking and kitten shopping. Totally legitimate.
This is literally engraved into my seat "Need crack?" And then there's a number. This isn't real.
Goddamn right, I may not survive the apocalypse, but my eyebrows fucking will.
He fucked my brains out then fed me cheese and peanut butter. I might be in love.
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