Something growled at me in your dark backyard last nt. Hoping it was my landwalking laser sharks and not Andy.
i just saw a girl w/ a shirt that said "im the single friend." yeah i bet u r. stop wearing shirts like that and that could change.
He just stood there...Helen Keller and I could have had a more interesting conversation
he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.
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Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk
There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.
Someone just bought me a one liter long island and call me maybe is on. I'm going to die
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Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I feel like I may be the only person who can say they crutched their walk of shame. past the secret service.
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