I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
Well I'm going to a gay club in my banana suit. You should come. My bro is going as a pirate. I don't know if there's a theme.
People in love make me want to vomit
I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
That's the point dumbass, I can't use my boss as a reference cause they'd have to fucking call him in prison.
You are a piece of meat with a side of awesome to me.
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
On NPR this morning, farmers are feeding weed to pigs. The result: pot bacon. Life just got better.
I slept with the Australian in the bathroom of a gay bar. What has my life become.
Your cousin just directly asked you for nudes
I haven't heard from him yet. He's either still asleep (which is entirely plausible..... There wasn't much sleeping happening last night) or he's robbing me blind. But I have renters insurance, so either way, I'm ok with it.
Did your grand seduction include learning to play careless whisper on a kazoo or was that just a hobby
Xanax, wine, and giving the neighbor blue balls. How about you?
Jesus, it’s Tuesday morning! Not back stage with Motley Crew
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