Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
please stop telling ppl youre Alice Cullen when youre drunk
Just took my morning after pill in the library
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
be warned: you might find a baby hampster in my bra
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Is biking from my house to 6th street for liquor pitchers a good idea or a bad idea
We had a One Night Stand 6 months ago but he just Facebook invited me to his wedding. Who the fuck does that.
I just tripped over a but plug that was on the floor. It's 430 in the morning
dude where did you go last night?
when the tequila says to run, you start running.
We need a rematch, I think my pussy was on vacation the other night.
Every day I wake up and there is no spectacular morning wood waiting for me I get so sad.
when you shit yourself on the way to school its time to give up and go home
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