I think id rather eat ped egg shavings.
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
I will give you a bj if you get me food. NOT A JOKE. FREE BJ.
Note to self: Not getting laid all weekend makes girls in mondays classes racks seem enormously bigger.
the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night
Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.
you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...
Softest bathroom rug I've slept on in my life, there have been many
I will come over now to take full advantage of you in your vulnerable state.
Fine. I should warn you I just threw up in danas fish tank. Fish are dead. Livers dead. I smell and look like a dead animal. And not showering. So deal with it.
That awkward moment when your boyfriend tries to have sex with his go pro on #hdporn
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I just want to feed you taquitos and play with your boner and live happily ever after
I think that living in the "now" is the worst fucking ghandi buddha whatever advice bc that means I'm just gonna get drunk in the now.
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
Randomize
