thanks for house sitting, cat must be hiding again... everything go ok?
... about that ...
You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.
I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
the last thing i remember is ordering pitchers of white russians....
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
he will always be the guy i fucked in the hallway.
I guess it was to be expected that I was put on somebody's list called penis socket.
I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me
Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
Dude, where are you?
In back
of car
... whose car?
I don't know, but I assume drunk me had her reasons. I trust her judgement.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
You wouldn't happen to know why there's an inflatable monkey riding a mattress on my roof would you?
Randomize
