I just pulled a feather out of my vagina.
I am not joking.
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Just so you know, if you are not feeling well today it's cause you drank a gatorade bottle full of highlighter fluid.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
Do what your heart wants. . .
My heart wants to rip his balls off and tie therm to his head using his penis
Just applied for assistance with paying my hospital bill from my alcohol poisoning at age 16 while still a little drunk from last night. What is my life.
Circle of life?
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
I broke a glass at the bar and ended up with blood on my forehead. I apparently kept screaming BLOOD like the little boy in that YouTube video.
Pretty sure my boner drove me home. Like it didn't just do the steering it was the gas and brake too..
I rode home in a shopping cart so there's that. MVP to the guy that pushed it.
He was cheering for me from the end of the bar as I sloppily ate a Ruben sandwich. It made me feel really special.
And no one can masturbate with the sound of Bernie's voice in the background
She handed me scissors and told me that they were the ones with the lowest probability of having been used to trim someone's pubes.
Randomize
