I justed realized that the word 'turd" is present in saturday
I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed
I wish I could get plan B off e-bay so it would be a secret and cheap.
How come the only thing we can do right in our lives is drugs?
i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
Ya know what's been the best part of this College Football Season? Not having to hear Brent Musberger say the Honey Badger 77 fucking times.
THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.
our relationship was basically a one night stand, with a three week long, morning after
WHY DO I KEEP FINDING CHICKEN THROUGHOUT THE HOUSE? GET YOUR ASS HOME NOW!
Some dude just said my hair smells like his pillows
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Two questions: Did you enjoy your birthday present and how did i wake up with glitter all over my dick?
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