I'm going to save the lime from my McDonald's salad to use in my Corona later tonight.
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.
You slept with a red coat way too close to independence day. It's just very unpatriotic.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
He said that I looked like a "ghost had crawled up into my vagina and died"..so yeah, I'd say the hangover was noticeable.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
After this week, alcohol is mandatory.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
I woke up in your kitchen with my ID in my hand and my nails were painted electric blue. Dude.... never let me have fireball again.
He stopped me mid blowjob and asked me to take off my hat. He said it made him feel like Neil Young was going down on him.
There's something empowering about being at dinner and sitting across the table from two men you've blown.
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
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