i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
got weed?
I'm really tired of you accidentally texting me when your doing illegal things. I'm taking away your phone.
sorry mom...
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
He yelled "HERE COMES THE WARMTH" before he pissed his pants. In front of the whole party.
21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.
That's the girl I met who was peeing on the driveway with me. We bonded
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"
New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak
Apparently she broke up w/ her bf like 3 weeks ago. She actually called me to be her bday hookup cause she's single now. Patience- the virtue that occasionally pays off.
Yeah I mean subtle isn't how I'd describe your flirtation strategy last night
Also food confession I ate an entire bag of starburst jelly beans today. and a plan B. All around think I hit all my nutrients
When she's hammered the amount of alliteration that comes out of her mouth is amazing.
I'm too pretty to go to jail. Especially in Louisiana.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
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