you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
There's a skull full of vodka. How bad can it be?
Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...
i think i swapped my keys for drugs last night
You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.
You tried tipping the cashier at Cook Out by shoving a dollar bill down his shirt and yelling "Magic Mike"
I can't believe I forgot to wish you a happy 13 week-iversary of the time you raw-dogged a rando. Only two days late, so it still counts. And since your 14 weeks is coming up, you should know that at 14 weeks your baby can squint, frown, grimace, pee, and possibly suck his/her/their/zir thumb!
I truly wish I could say I pulled my groin straddling our cab driver but unfortunately I cannot
I made soup. Now I'm having post soup making wine. I had pre soup making wine also.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
The shrooms were awesome. Everyone's bones in their face looked so beautiful! Everyone had great face structures.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
I never knew it was coming. He was cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, cute and nerdy, and then BAM! Best hookup ever.
I am way to hungover for it to be Thursday.
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
Randomize
