i wish there were pregnant emoticons
Just checked my missed calls... why did you call me 37 times from 2:14 to 3:58?
Those balls look pretty dangerous.
is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?
she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.
i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.
Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?
When i walked in, you were in bed with a hot chick rolled up in a green blanket and said you were acting like a caterpillar..
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
IM GOING TO SIT ON YOUR FACE AND CHANT 'I BELIEVE THAT WE WILL WIN'
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
I'm so glad you haven't fallen off any more yachts
I'm only texting you this bc god forbid circumstances change when you wake up but currently santa is asleep on top of the washer and dryer.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
