apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.
It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.
Her instagram is literally selfies, cats, and guys she's fucked.
I want to have sex with Will Smith. I guess I have a thing with 90s sitcom stars. Stamos, Joey Lawrence, John Goodman.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
Are we planning this because I am online looking for places with a Mechanical bull
I remember turning to Jon after doing a line of coke and saying "I was a Girl Scout"
Grabbed the cop's ass and he still arrested Heather instead. Victory is mine!!
I didn’t want a minivan, but I have to admit it’s made it a lot easier to hook up with the dilfs at soccer tournaments
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