ps i may or may not be wearing a sequined bra
Are you for fucking real.? He divorced me just because he got a fucking girlfriend.?!
This smoking ban is really fucking with my ability to fart in public
he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
She's laying here with her head in my lap stoned, eating Doritos, whining about her boyfriend, and listening to Cher. Fuck the friend zone.
It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.
My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
this temple that is my body is starting to crumble and turn into ruins
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
So apparently Facebook just randomly finds the girl who gave me a hard handy despite having no mutual friends...
So unofficially, he told me he deleted tinder because of me. I think that's a pretty romantic gesture in 2018.
you took my virginity. you can't have my alcohol too.
Randomize
