Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment
I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you
Really.
Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments
I just had to give myself a pep talk to stop lying on my floor. Literally too hung over to function
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?
Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
It's not stalking if you do it on LinkedIn...
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
You are now at the point where people no longer question whether or not you might be on drugs. They now know for certain that you are
Is it appropriate to be taking shots at 11 on sunday?
Absolutely same thing as church only different
Randomize
