Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?
I'm gonna have bed sores at the end of this hangover.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.
Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.
Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time
You could become Eskimo brothers with my dad. How can you pass that up? You pussy.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
I woke up this morning to find my closet lacking 98% of my clothes and a text from my male roommate saying your dresses squeeze my genitals
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
I’ll always remember that day you sent me that random nude on accident lmao changed my life
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