Hahaha figures, hmm should I spank you? Or throw a cow at you?
mmm... i enjoy making beautiful women smile
im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
I gave her the chance to be interesting and she failed. So then I gave her a chance to be slutty and she failed at that too.
A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...
Yes someone did see you carrying a beer bong on the side of coastal highway
Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.
i woke up to the sound of my dad getting blown. this is my life
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
he's definitely still old enough to be your dad. even your grandfather, if you come from a line of juvenile delinquents
I don't think I can look at him the same way anymore after he walked in my room wearing a short skirt with a boner.
I'm happily sitting on the toilet cause I'm too tired to move. I'm considering making this my permanent residence. It has a lot to offer.
2 things: 1) can you get hep from toilet water? And 2) do you know where we can get a new skillet for cheap?
Please tell me those aren't related.
I made rice.
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
Randomize
