i am watching brooke knows best right now and hulk is totally dating his daughter's look a like. it is gross and disturbing.
the most pressuring question is, why are you watching brooke knows best?.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
Omg considering I am covered in cake and probably cocaine that is the greatest news I have ever heard
Oh shit. The hangover. It has taken 20 mins and 5 attempts to tie my shoelaces
A blind man just put his face in my cleavage. I'm also crying.
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
He sent me a picture of his dick saying "your throne my lady" for my birthday. He knows the way to my heart.
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
I had sex with two guys in one day. One on my grandma's couch, one on a golf course. This is the greatest post-surgery accomplishment I could ask for.
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
I have a burn on my hand, I'm covered in bruises, I think my toe is broken, and I have no clothes to wear home.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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