I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.
i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me
As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
I'm wearing your poncho, and only your poncho. I'm not getting pulled over like this.
The rest of us are chipping in to soundproof your bedroom. This is getting ridiculous.
She thinks I come over for the sex, but I really come for the snacks.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So it took me 20 minutes to figure out that this is the wrong blind date. I'm going to go with it, he's cute and at least it's free beer.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
Oh my god there's only so much masturbating one can do before one wants to fucking cry
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
In unrelated news guys should not ask what I'm doing/wearing if they can't handle an honest answer. I'm not pretending I'm not sitting on the couch in yoga pants watching Community so you can beat off.
i could have got laid, but instead, i threw up in her hair. you can cross that off the bucket list.
Like sometimes I’ll be hangry but for dick
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