last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
Did I get blown in the bathroom? Yes. Did she throw up cranberry juice on my shorts? Yes. Did she finish the job? Yes.
I just showed my boobs to our astate representative hahahahahahha
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I'm trying to make a sex playlist
record yourself crying and put it on a loop.
Important update! My next door neighbours have a canoe. Repeat: THEY HAVE A CANOE! We are having sex in it before this summer is over.
Oh you have the munchies, Dad? That's great and congratulations on the weed but STOP EATING MY APPLE PIE
I spent the last 6 months operating under the assumption that I HADNT fucked a paramedic. I was wrong.
Where are you? Where am I? Why am I so red?
Randomize
