and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.
Segways are the fanny packs of transportation. Useful in some situations, but you always look like a tool when using one.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day
I demand visitation hours with the duck.
I have sand in every orifice, there are bruises everywhere, and I smell like a distillery. I love summer.
The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move
Went to the doctor's today. The lady took one look at my throat and said "oh god"
Too much penis in there.
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
Well start with a list of things you don't want to do... Like maybe 1) I don't want join Isis. That's a good start.
After 2 minutes he came and said, "thanks for everything". I can't wait to hear what he says next time when I do more than just lay there.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
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