What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.
We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.
A gay black guy with blonde hair and a gold tooth just told me he would shit on my face.
Now it's a party.
He just tried to eat my hair and he keeps talking about pissing on everything, come home soon I beg of you
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
Hey, so I'm not coming into work til Friday. Some guy I've known for about 8 hours just offered me a free vacation to Maui and bought my plane ticket. He's Aussie so I'm 75% sure he won't murder me
I wonder how many people I can tell that he has one nut before he finds out it's me spreading it.
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
My nipples are raw, I've yet to go to bed, I feel like death, and I'm at work. Thank you jack, crown, and Lafayette!
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