i just google searched "what time does taco bell open"
Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.
was that a mass text??
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
don't mind me. just hanging out in this cool air conditioned Babies R Us until the liquor store next door opens.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
Literally the only clue I have to try and figure out my blackout adventures is a draft on twitter that just says "Mummies alive!"
it is my last wish that my tale be published posthumously as a warning to anyone thinking of eating burger king at nine am
so this maintenance guy stood at the corner of my cubical and scratched his balls for like a full minute cause he thought no one could see him
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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