I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?
I just found all of my Mary-Kate and Ashley movies. Can you say drinking game?
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
And it was confirmed to me that I did in fact cut my girlfriend out of her dress with my sword.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!
Don't worry I'm alive. The apt is all locked up so I'm sleeping on the patio. The frozen pizza I got might be toast unless someone lets me in soon. If not its all good I'll be here snoring on the patio
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work
When cunnilingus is one of the first 25 words you say to someone there's a problem
#reasonsyoushouldnthaveatinder
Actually going to jail after your wedding is NOT part of the plan.
Feels like I ran a marathon last night. A tequila marathon.
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