Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
I went up to get a drink from the hotel room. And ended up getting arrested in the lobby. Spring break has not been forgiving this year.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
You insisted on going outside so you could "breathe real air".
he just looked at me, said "i think i'll keep you around, you put the seat back up and everything," and then burst into tears.
She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.
I can't get over how you look like his sister and he wants to fuck you.
What the matter? A girl can't play some Super Mario without being accused of being high?
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
Hey can you tell Daniel there's a bottle of Captain Morgan's in the dryer ...
Sorry I think you have the wrong number
Yes it looks like I do
I smell like heartbreak.
Tequila and sloppy rebound sex?
How did you know?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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