Texts From Last Night · Random Texts

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

but the lizard people decide everything anyway

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Santa Claus winked at me two tables over at the Chinese place tonight I was almost afraid he knew "getting laid" was my Christmas wish

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(812): View more from Indiana

if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the only plus side is that now I'll be able to tell my son not to trust the condoms that his college gives away..........

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(540): View more from Virginia

Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations

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(914): View more from New York

Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It's like sleep walking but with blowjobs

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(+61): View more from Australia

on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?

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