Totally saw a hot amputee. I think this is called character growth.
i just want his dick, seriously i'm about to take trifiling lessons. we'll call my alter-ego blair and she will screw his brains out, girlfriend or not.
Time to put an end to this 'unprotected sex with crazy girls who have violent exes' trip I've been on so far this summer
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
DONT TAKE THE KEG OUT OF THE HOT TUB I NEED A PICTURE OF ME DOING A KEG STAND ON IT
You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.
Thats like the definition of a good friend
ITS DAYLIGHT SAVINGS TIME SUNDAY EVERYTHING IS GOING TO BE OK AFTER ALL
Let's paint friendship bongs
Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
I'm not sure why, but my salad smells like a Big Mac. Or maybe that's just the smell of yesterday's, seeping through my skin.
You chipped your front tooth on the toilet bowl. Should I call your dentist?
I can’t shake the image of her gigantic black unibrow. It’s like I got a blowie from Eugene Levy
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