My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.
She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?
well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey
I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Ive seen his manscaping faults. Given the choice I'd rather dry hump a cactus
She told me she's into girls now. I told her there would be a full bottle of jäger and an empty bed here Friday.
If you take a post shower shit just get back in bed. You're better off starting your whole morning all over again.
I just puked in my courtyard and dripped toothpaste in my chest hair. You better be getting laid or this drunk is wasted.
Weird thing is that's not the first time I've been felt up by a Santa. Happens every year
The candles are lit, the magic circle is drawn, now all we need to do is get naked and see how many orgasms we can manage.
How was your night?
Fell down a flight of stairs. Went to a sex dungeon. Was approached by a man in a leather harness.
JB just got pulled over and I am in the trunk...... this isnt good
remember when we said that thing when we met about how we were each glad we weren’t furries
ok listen,
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
