two of my INSANE ex girlfriends just texted me saying their coming over because im home alone. needless to say, im deleting my twitter.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home
My drug dealer just made me a sandwich at the local deli. Starting to question his street cred.
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
I've never known a porn star before
There's not even an emoji for this
I'm pretty sure the guy on the dance floor with crutches just smacked me in the butt with one. Do you think he's flirting?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
is it still considered wake n bake if you wake up at 2 pm?
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Randomize
