Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
Literally getting boned by my flask right now. I didn't really think about this whole sneaking past security in a skin tight dress.
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
You screamed "there will be blood" and punched some random guy in the face. So no, we can't go back to that bar.
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
I sit across from him at graduation so I get to stare at him and think about how I fucked his step brother and laugh to myself
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
Randomize
