look no pants
Teenaged girls are God's best work and the Devil's best tool. Remember that my friend.
Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!
I just saw a girl walking home wearing a tshirt, boxers, and cowboy boots. Thanks for having the decency to drive me to my car.
Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
She kept telling people I wrecked her brain. That high.
No he's here. We were watching Harry Potter stoned as shit and he fell asleep with his head in my lap. I'll figure out what to do with him after Harry gives Dobby the sock.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
If Denver makes it to the Super Bowl I'll quit drinking. So I'm pretty much stocking up on booze
All I can taste is Pickle Juice and Cocaine.
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