So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.
Grindr hookup awareness: always make sure that you agree to blow one person and they aren't bringing a Friend/boyfriend. Shits weird when you're sober.
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
his ex girlfriend sent him a pic of her naked in the bathtub so I sent her a pic of me sucking his dick
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
I woke up at 4am because the neighbors cat managed to sneak into my bed. HOW THE FUCK DOES THIS STUFF HAPPEN TO
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
Question: anytime during the past week did I drunk dial you and give you full permission to grab my boobs? Cus I know I said it I just don't remember who I said it to...
I’m going to have to rewatch all of them. Drugs, man.
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Randomize
