Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?
turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
she asked me what the final straw was. i had to tell her i caught him jerking off to digimon porn. i don't know what i'm more upset by, that he was masturbating to cartoons, or that he was masturbating to sub-par cartoons
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???
There's always time for handjobs
I don't know what's more sad. The fact that I'm genuinely impressed about being sober for a whole 3 days or the fact that I want to get wasted in celebration.
Now I don't feel so bad about telling everyone that he's 23 and needs Viagra. It's her problem now
Besides. I don't even really like sex because it feels great. I like it because for thirty minutes I own that guys ass.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
Nothing too major over here lately. Just had a date with an ex-internet porn star turned lawyer. He said: "at my 3rd burning man I taught a workshop on BDSM" and I knew it was going to be a fun night.
I have no reason to put on pants anymore. This is my new reality.
Worst case: you're extra horny, have no control of your mouth or actions, and maybe murder someone. Child's play.
Randomize
