i'm sure her mom would have loved to find out her daughter has herpes via facebook
I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.
Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.
I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to
I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.
I played "in the air tonight" on a drum set made of titties, and I'm not even exaggerating
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
Fuck. I have to get my shit together by lunch. Mission impossible.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.
I see you listening to my get shitfaced playlist on spotify. glad we're on the same page tonight there's a drink waiting for you downstairs.
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