I was so drunk I accidentally put in two tampons.
I tried to talk you out of it. You were worried about alcohol being a blood thinner.
omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?
I got a Cease & Desist email from NBC for downloading Bruno. I am not going down for gay porn.
May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.
Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.
Foreign porn with subtitles is a little disappointing.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
Dude they are making elephants out of dollar bills. I'm way too high for this
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
