I told u I don't really remember everything lol i pretty much remember not lasting as long as I norm and that I wore a condom, I hate condoms
about to play the homeward bound drinking game. alone. what are you doing tonight?
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach
Can I come by? I want you to meet my squirrel
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
don't judge but I think I'm gonna go fuck a dad this weekend
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
I've got two reasons for you to come over later and one of them is pierced.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
