I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
Either he has two lazy eyes or he really likes my tits..
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
The beer is more important than you right now.
Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I just took the cheapest shot in your honor
The instructions say refer to specific course material, but I'm in no mood to reopen this awful book that caused me so many lost hours of drinking.
Yeah FUCK THAT NOISE
Casually on the bus at 830 in the morning with a box of cheezits and a bottle of fireball sticking out of my purse....
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
