Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I swear I have "I love assholes" written on my forehead with ink that only guys can see.
I misunderstood what a threesome is. Please come pick me up.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
In the middle of blowin me she stoppped and told me how easy it would be to insert a catheter ..... Apparently she was a nursing major
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
if I could send you my dick right now I would. that's how good of a friend I am.
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I repeat the shot was ON FIRE. I am never going to a pirate bar again.
ur mom makes the best bacon
WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE
Do you remember our dinosaur noises from last night ? Breaaaahhhhhppp
our friendships a beautiful delicate flower...that has been crushed by peni
i said cake fell into my bra, you stood up and yelled "Im coming soldier", leaped acrossed the couch and started motorboating my boobs. i would have been cool with it if your mom didnt keep calling me the "lesbiainizer"
sorry i got drunk at sunday brunch and force fed carrot sticks to your cat
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