My room smells like vodka and shame
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.
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in hindsight, drinking 2 bottles of wine probably wasnt going to put me in an optimal position for a job interview
there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
I need to pay that drinking in public ticket, but I also really want to get a spray tan next week... so priorities.
Jerry got outside again, i found him making dirt angels in the garden. I need to put a bell on that bastard.
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God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
His name is Angel. I'm pretty sure he was sent from heaven solely to eat me out.
lost my vibrator and now I have to masturbate manually. The struggle is fucking real.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.